Advice from One INTJ to The Other

An INTJ’s Guide to Finding Your Life’s Vision

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Filipe Otavio asked: “In the case that the INxJ doesn’t have a grand life-vision (and this does happen), the INxJ will likely be quite unhappy with their life and…immature for an INxJ. The reason for this is that the life-vision constitutes a major portion of the INxJ’s dominant function, and when a dominant function is neglected, the results tend to be negative.

I think I’m in that situation for years right now. I’m trying hard, but some advice from a fellow INTJ would help:

Are there some practical way to find that life vision, being a lost INTJ?”

I would admonish you to make a thorough appraisal of your personal core values. Establishing a life vision when you’re uncertain about what’s important to you is a bit infeasible.

With a transparent understanding of your intrinsic priorities, you can start to identify actions you can take in your life that will fulfill those values. As you do this consistently, you’ll likely find that long-term goals and visions will come naturally.

Continue reading →

INTJs: Uncomfortable with your Inferior Function?

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Pasa Fino asked: I have a question which regards Se in a social setting. (I am an INTJ btw). This and the other Se post were helpful in a general sense, but here is a problem I personally encounter.

Whenever I am around people I don’t know well or consider as a friend, I behave in the way I am most comfortable with: distant, observant, serious, quiet, etc.. but when I am with the few people I consider my friends my Se seems to take over my brain in a most distressing manner. I begin to goof off, talk loudly, I become quirky and playful, and overall, much unlike myself. I go home feeling like a total fool. The worst thing about it is that I have little to no control over this while it is happening.

Otherwise, I integrate my Se via art, music, karate, and watching comedies on YouTube, and can control it decently well when I am in my normal environment or interacting with friends over the internet.

I am in my late teens, so I am hoping that in my twenties my Se will be somewhat tamer. Has anyone else encountered this problem? If so, is there a solution for an immediate solution for it?

#1 Yes, many INTJs experiences this:

In order to illustrate to you and others, that discomfort with the Se function is not something that any of us are alone on, I’m going to share an experience that is deeply personal to me. This is not just for you, Pasa Fino (though it is for you), but for all the people out there who may be struggling to connect with the more frightening, more human parts of themselves. Continue reading →

INTJs: How to develop your Se function

Arvid Walton 24 Comments

Bryony asked: I am an INTJ with an unhealthy Se function. Out of curiosity, is it possible to change this?

Yes it is.

I had a very unhealthy Se function at one point in my life –so unhealthy in fact, that I wasn’t using it at all (I’ll let your imagination fill in the connotations of that happenstance). Here are some tips for developing an unhealthy Se function. Continue reading →

INTJs: How to deal with Low Self-Esteem and Emotional Emptines

Arvid Walton 19 Comments

Asthma asked: As an intj how do you deal with :
– lack of confidence/ low self-esteem.
– emotional emptiness.

Low Self-Esteem

I’ve never had a problem with low self-esteem myself, but I suspect that my methods for dealing with self-criticism could apply to your question just fine.

My interior monologue often runs along these lines: Why don’t I feel anything? Why don’t I care that this person in front of me is crying? Am I a bad person? Did l have to say that? It may have been true, but it wasn’t kind. I am a terrible friend. etc.

Here’s how I deal with it. Continue reading →

INTJ’s Manual for Coping with Idiots

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Juliette said: As an Intj, you might have experienced the people I call “blabbers.” They talk on an on about just random things. There are then the butthurts. I talk to them about reducing population in a humane but ingenious way: “BUT THEY’RE HUMANS YOU CANT KILL HUMANS”

And finally, there’s my family. They’re nice but… my mother is overprotective and thinks i’m insensitive and that i’m weird to think logically. My father gets angry over irrational things. My relative is ok but they often find a way to “mess up” and therefore create tension in our family. But the worse is that they make drama out of everything. They fight over evertthing. My mother constantly stays in the past.

So, the actual question, is how to just “deal with it”? Seeing as most people are like this the situation is quasi-constant and it drives me mental! Of course staying in my room for as long as I want isn’t an option because then i’m deemed anti social. Any advice from past experience or maybe just pure reasoning would help because this is honestly on the verge of being unbearable. Thanks.

My dear you can talk.

I’m assuming you’re asking me because you want a blunt, honest answer. Well, in that case, you’re in the right place.

#1 Realise that being an INTJ does not make you better or smarter than anyone else

Trust me, there’s an ENFP out there somewhere who’s smarter than you (his name is Michio Kaku if you need to hunt him down), so don’t you ever go thinking that being an INTJ makes you smarter or better than anyone else. Continue reading →

INTJs! Don’t Hide from your Feelings!

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Sumayyah asked: As an INTJ. I used to be very detached and anything emotional aggravated me. However, my problem lately has been that I’m usually in a bad mood or temper. I snap at people more often. I don’t like to hear or have any conversations that make emotions and feelings the center. Also, I have been betrayed by the man that I liked. I don’t know how to deal with these sudden feeling and emotions. It seems very illogical to me and aggravates me that they are controlling me. Do you have any advice or tips for an INTJ do deal with this situation.

Here’s my #1 piece of advice: DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR UPPER FUNCTIONS. Do everything you can to avoid locking into only your lower functions (this is called being “in the grip” and it isn’t a healthy state to be in). Make use of your upper functions.

My second piece of advice is to avoid locking into a loop between your Extraverted Thinking (Te) function and your Extraverted Sensing (Se) function. Often, INTJs experiencing emotional trauma will do this in order to detach from the strong feelings they’re enduring. Just as I warn you not to lock into only your lower functions, it’s unwise to stop using any function simply to avoid dealing with a problem.

To quote one of my all-time favourite Christopher Nolan films, “you always fear what you don’t understand.” And it sounds like there’s a disjunct between your emotions and your understanding of them (thus your fear of them).

Take your TeFi and analyse your feelings. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, but then ask yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Mature INTJs do not hide from their feelings. They face them without allowing the feelings to control them.

It is perfectly possible to feel strongly and still be rational. The feelings themselves may be irrational, but the only way you’re going to talk yourself out of that irrationality is to analyse those feelings so that you can understand them, and to do that, you have to feel them.

You will never understand anything that you spend all your time hiding from.

INTJs: Embarrassed about Crying in Public?

Arvid Walton 12 Comments

Abbie asked: Help! I’m an INTJ and I’m crying… In a public place… With no secluded spot or sanctuary I can run to… And people are watching… What do I do? What do you do?

Answer: Curtesy queue interruption –this is what you should do.

Forget that other people are watching.

It does not matter what anyone thinks of you. A person who judges you for crying is not someone whose opinion you should value enough to let it affect you. When you cry in public, that’s when you really discover the character of the people you care about. The ones who judge you aren’t people you want to keep around and those who don’t will probably be your friends for life.

Secondly, you should never be ashamed of crying.

There are large quantities of immature T-types out there who will tell you that emotion is for weaklings. To that, I say that if you have not cried –if you have not been broken, your life has been too easy and you have not learned enough.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you’re weak for emoting. Crying releases endorphins, which is why we sometimes can’t feel better until we’ve had a decent cry. Emotion is what makes us human. If we could not feel, we would not make moral decisions.

If there is nowhere to hide your tears, stop worrying about it and deal with what’s really important (aka the issue that’s making you cry in the first place).

When an issue is important enough, just let yourself cry. Who cares if people are watching? Cry, and then move on. That’s all I can really tell you.

Introverts Need People Too

Arvid Walton 1 Comment

Introverts need people too

Contrary to popular belief, introverts need people just as much as extraverts do –just in different ways. Introverts don’t necessarily get their energy from being around people the way that extraverts do, but we still need people for emotional/psychological reasons.

Why Everyone needs people:

#1 We need to know we’re not alone

At some point in life, everyone wants to know they’re not alone –even if they don’t want to admit it. When you’re isolated for too long, you can’t help feeling that isolation –either that or you just start to feel empty inside. Continue reading →