Question: “I’m in a relationship with an INTJ who’s one of the least emotional people I’ve ever met (I’m an ENFP). He’s usually pretty cynical and calloused, but last night he cried like I’ve never seen anyone cry before and he won’t tell me what’s wrong. I tried to ask him but he then he locked me out of the bedroom and has refused to come out for hours. How on earth am I supposed to handle that? Someone so hard and rational crying is like the most disconcerting and painful thing I’ve ever witnessed.”
Answer: First of all, I’m really sorry you had to witness that. Everyone always criticises INTJs for seeming emotionless, but as soon as they get emotional…people just start to get uncomfortable.
Trust me, the crying thing is just as disconcerting, unfamiliar and stressful for him as it is for you.
Most INTJs do not cry unless something has truly upset his or her world (not all INTJs are this way, but it sounds like yours is). When an INTJ cries, emotion is raging inside them like a storm –and they are both pained by whatever it is that caused them to cry and disconcerted by the fact that they can’t control their emotions.
INTJs don’t like their emotions to control them –and they do not like other people to see them cry.
Furthermore, a lot of INTJs just don’t feel much. period. for the majority of the time. (I can go a couple weeks without feeling anything). INTJs definitely have powerful emotions, but they often dwell beneath the surface where we can’t fully feel them. Instead, our brain simply interprets them for us logically. When emotion becomes strong enough for us to cry, we don’t know what’s happening to us, and so we simultaneously feel the full weight of our misery and panic over the fact that we’ve lost control of our emotions.
My advice is to give him his space. Don’t keep asking him over and over again if he’s not answering. If he wants to tell you, he will. Give him at least a week before you ask him again, and if he doesn’t want to tell you then, just let it rest for a while.
INTJs are known for being some of the world’s best secret keepers. A lot of us like to hide our problems from people.
Let your INTJ feel his emotions the way he needs to feel them. If he opens up to you, that means he’s comfortable talking about them. If not, be sensitive.