INTJ’s Manual for Coping with Idiots

Juliette said: As an Intj, you might have experienced the people I call “blabbers.” They talk on an on about just random things. There are then the butthurts. I talk to them about reducing population in a humane but ingenious way: “BUT THEY’RE HUMANS YOU CANT KILL HUMANS”

And finally, there’s my family. They’re nice but… my mother is overprotective and thinks i’m insensitive and that i’m weird to think logically. My father gets angry over irrational things. My relative is ok but they often find a way to “mess up” and therefore create tension in our family. But the worse is that they make drama out of everything. They fight over evertthing. My mother constantly stays in the past.

So, the actual question, is how to just “deal with it”? Seeing as most people are like this the situation is quasi-constant and it drives me mental! Of course staying in my room for as long as I want isn’t an option because then i’m deemed anti social. Any advice from past experience or maybe just pure reasoning would help because this is honestly on the verge of being unbearable. Thanks.

My dear, you talk too much.

I’m assuming you’re asking me because you want a blunt, honest answer. Well, in that case, you’re in the right place.

#1 Realise that being an INTJ does not make you better or smarter than anyone else

Trust me, there’s an ENFP out there somewhere who’s smarter than you (his name is Michio Kaku if you need to hunt him down now), so don’t you ever go thinking that being an INTJ makes you smarter or better than anyone else.

I know some pretty dang stupid INTJs out there, and they all seem to live under this illusion that they’re smarter than everyone else and as a result, the belief that everyone is an annoying piss-pot.

Basically, the big problem most of these INTJs really face is not necessarily that they are more intelligent (which is the problem they think they have). Rather, their problem is being biased against anyone who does not think exactly like them, which is a stupid mindset coming from people who claim to be so unbiased. Yet, if you bring this up to them, they will all deny it because they would rather live under their pleasant illusion than question whether their subconscious mind has actually gotten the better of them.

Think about it. Are you complaining about your mom because she’s stuck in the past and you’re not? Are you complaining about your father getting angry about irrational things because you apparently don’t. Guess what, your question is about an irrational problem that you think is rational. I hate to break it to you, but as logical as you might think yourself, you are not rational.

All people, regardless of personality type or intelligence level, are hopelessly irrational, and that’s a belief I hold firmly. Yes, some of us are more rational than others, but that does not make us fully rational. The very fact that our brains work through chemical processes makes rationality impossible. People’s minds are too limited to hold enough information to make completely rational judgements, so we settle for whatever judgements seem most rational to us.

My advice to you is to just buck up and realise that just because you’ve got a rare MBTI personality type, you are not suddenly the only sane person in the world. There are all different types of intelligence and INTJs are not the only ones possessed of a brain.

The fact that you’re asking how to deal with it shows me that you’re a moral person who wants to be better, but also that you’re an irrational person just like everyone else.

#2 Don’t waste strong emotions on people you don’t like

Yes, people babble. They talk about needless, unimportant things. Your complaint is partially that you think they’re wasting your time/energy, correct? Well guess what, you’re wasting your time/energy feeling frustrated about them too.

Don’t allow people who don’t matter to you to make your day suck. That’s allowing them control over your response to them rather than you choosing how you’re going to respond, if at all. You get me?

If you don’t care about the random babblers who small talk you to death, don’t let them control your mood. If you do care about your family –don’t let the fact that they’re different from you drive you mad. If you love someone, learn to love them for who they are, not for how much they love you.

My mom (ESTJ) is stuck in the past too. My Dad (INTP) gets angry about irrational things just like yours does. But I don’t find my parents annoying just because they think differently than I do. I have an ESFP brother for goodness sake.

#3 You have a brain. Use it instead of complaining that others drive it mad

I know this is hard especially when it comes to family. I don’t know if this will work for you (it doesn’t work in all situations and circumstances), but as the more rational person in my family, I frequently break up arguments by stepping in and explaining to the involved parties why each side is really angry (if it was poorly expressed) and where the miscommunications that led to the argument happened. Not all INTJs can do things like this…but it works for me. Find your own talent and use it.

The point I’m trying to make is this. You’ve complained about how your family are the ones “messing up,” creating all the drama and such. In other words, most of your complaints regard things that other people do that annoy your thinking process.

That INTJ thinking process that you’re so proud of appears to be busy inefficiently wasting its sweet time being frustrated, isn’t really putting itself to good use. Try to think of some practical solutions to your problems instead of assuming that they’re insolvable?

If small talkers are annoying, play games with them –make the conversation interesting to yourself.

There are lots of INTJs who claim they’re super smart, really good at tons of things, but don’t actually do anything with their intellectual powers. I’m a firm believer in the “it’s what you do that defines you” mantra, so I tend to look down on people who claim to be something that their actions don’t reflect.

I hope that wasn’t too blunt. It wasn’t meant to be offensive, merely a slap to the reality that if you’re constantly annoyed with everyone, your thought process is, by definition, irrational. Annoyance is irrational –let’s face it.

Most people who complain about stupid people are subconsciously trying to convince themselves that they’re smarter than said people.

26 thoughts on “INTJ’s Manual for Coping with Idiots

  1. Good points. Well, I read the subtitles. Seemed useful. I’ll stuff in the toolbox to read later, if a need arises. (i.e., I forgot where I put my wrench to deal with idiots) —Your friendly neighborhood ISTP


  2. Implementing empathy into my thoughts has helped tremendously with how I perceive other people. However, I am still on the quest to find others like my intelligence. I’m not particularly pushy with my own views and logic. I genuinely study everything I can get my hands on, so I have a lot of information about a lot of topics, which turns a lot of people off from me, which is a little funny knowing that one of the reasons I study so much is to have subjects that are interesting to others. For example, I’ll find out that a person enjoys mystery novels, and I’ll borrow eight of them from the library and read them before our next encounter so we can have in depth chats. Maybe I’m just THAT afraid of small talk.


  3. I have a question that kind of pertains to the above question; My mother is an ISFJ and I am an INTJ and because of our very different ways of looking at the world we have issues connecting. We used to fight a lot but we both worked on not fighting and arguing and I tried my best to see her side of things which helps but beyond the superficial fighting we still have a hard time connecting. I’ve tried to do things she’d like but I still have a hard time connecting with her. She asks me what I want to do but the answer is to talk about the universe and try and come up with answers to unsolved murders, things she has little to no interest in doing. For the sake of our relationship and our sanity (we’re spending the next couple of years together seeing as I’m not yet old enough to move out) what can you suggest to help our relationship?


  4. First off, thank you very much for this. I think I need to reflect on how I react to others.
    Secondly, I am very conflicted on the topic of me thinking I’m smarter than others. Everyone has told me that I am extremely smart my whole life, but I don’t think that is true at all. From what I have observed, I have found they only mean ‘book-smart’ even though I am really not book smart. . . . I don’t know exactly what point I’m trying to make. Yes, I probably like myself much more than I like others, but I don’t necessarily think I am better than other people in an intellectual way. Maybe I am confusing liking myself with being arrogant. .


  5. First off, thank you very much for this. I think I need to reflect on how I react to others.
    Secondly, I am very conflicted on the topic of me thinking I’m smarter than others. Everyone has told me that I am extremely smart my whole life, but I don’t think that is true at all. From what I have observed, I have found they only mean ‘book-smart’ even though I am really not book smart. . . . I don’t know exactly what point I’m trying to make. Yes, I probably like myself much more than I like others, but I don’t necessarily think I am better than other people in an intellectual way. Maybe I am confusing liking myself with being arrogant. . Anyway, this was brilliantly put!


  6. Oh gosh, I wish I could hammer this post into my brother’s INTJ brain, because (and especially since he came around learning about MBTI) he is to at least 50% of our interactions a jerk and blames it all on his MBTI type.

    I’m INFP and I most certainly understand that he needs space and whatnot (I need it it too and we both actually get, but Mum and I usually see him only during dinner and maybe shortly when he dips in for a snack before vanishing in his room again), but he seriously could cut down on snide remarks on how “boring” “uninteresting” “irrelevant” etc. especially our mother’s (she’s most likely ENFP and takes a lot personally, even though she tries to hide the blow he did on her) concerns and interests are, while he needs to be the centre of attention whenever he has Something Interesting to say, whether Mum and I care or not. (Also whether we show that we don’t care or not. As though we should be thankful for The Enlightment he bestowed upon us, while he doesn’t give a sh*t about our own opinions and interests.)

    Usually it is I who tries to call him out on his purely rude behaviour, but even if I do so bluntly (because INTJs love that, right?), he either ignores it since he Doesn’t Care about feelings and he’s generally better in everything bla bla bla, tries to stare me down (maybe out of irritation?), or tries to reflect it (through “humour”, another snide remark…) so that it isn’t he who is at fault. When I’m not so lucky, I even get called out for being so rude to my brother while he’s basically nothing else.

    Is this blunt ignorance/inability to actually deal with criticism on their social skills also typical (most likely for immature/unhealthy) INTJs? Especially that they literally don’t care about hurting others’ feelings even if repeatedly confronted that it is becoming an issue?

    I could imagine that quite a bunch is simply out of spite because of our ESFJ father, who makes such a big deal about feelings and family integrity in general, but being unnecessarily rude and annoying about it is only disrespectful in many ways.

    Like, if you literally don’t care about it, why do you care that somebody else cares and talks about it (not necessarily to you anyway because it’s directed at a general audience)? If it annoys you so much, why not blend it out?
    Or is Se making this difficult? I mean I have my difficulties with Te at times, so I could imagine it’s hard, but at least shut your mouth about it?

    (Sorry, there are so many questions/complaints/infos but I kind of just had to get it out and the asks weren’t open >///////< it seems to fit the topic though)

    I'm horribly curious about how INTJs see this/if you know this kind of behaviour too, and how I might deal with this, since it's very draining to have to deal with those childish antics. (This got longer than expected, oh God…)


    • As a fellow INTJ, I see this type of behaviour as selfish, immature, and frankly, pathetic. I find people with no moral values (particularly moral values that involve other people) nauseating, because it tells me that they spend too much time thinking that they are a very intelligent, logical individual, but very little time actually thinking. In other words, they are people who have the potential to be really incredible and influential, but waste it all for the sake of narcissism and moral laziness.

      To blame your faults on your personality and not strive to improve them is wholly irresponsible. Not to mention that it does away with one of the best things about MBTI (that it helps people to recognise to do away with some of our faults).

      I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I know plenty of INTJs who are like that and they drive me (a fellow INTJ) insane. In fact, I sort of pity them for their complete and utter lack of desire to improve their moral character.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Wow–this was precisely what i needed to hear! I’ve been becoming more and more annoyed with a certain ESTP and ENFJ with whom i live (I am an ISTJ) because of his lack of logic et cetera. I’m so happy to have found this. *makes conscious effort to be less arrogant*


  8. Thank you for your honesty.
    I didn’t mean to come off as thinking that i’m smarter than everyone just because of my type however I am quite arrogant sometimes so maybe it shows in what I write.
    I do tend to see the bad in people so maybe if I looked at my family’s good points then I wouldn’t get so annoyed because it would do a balance between what I find good and what I find bad.
    And you’re also quite right about not wasting my time and using my brain. I try to step up in arguments sometimes but then I get told off for trying to act like i’m an adult when I’m not.

    Once again, thank you for your honesty. This
    was a slap to reality that I quite needed and I will use it to make myself a humbler and overall better person when it comes to this. Continue your good work, this website is very helpful.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Whether you meant to come of as arrogant or not, yes, it did show in your writing –and I’m glad it did, otherwise I wouldn’t have had as much insight into the overall problem. The point is –arrogance is a trait of immaturity. If you can rid yourself of that, you will rid yourself of all the problems you mentioned in your question, including the bit where your parents tell you not to try to act like an adult.

      Trust me, if you’re mature enough to act like an adult when you’re not, people will eventually start treating you like one. When I was 17, I looked about 15 and people still treated me like an adult because I behaved and talked like one. My dad used to tease me about being his “17 going on 40 year old.”

      It’s more about maturity and assertiveness than it is about actual age or appearance. Immature people cannot solve familial problems for good and that’s a fact. However, if you can learn as you say, to see both the good and bad in your family instead of focusing only on the bad, if you can learn humility, you will be amazed how much positive impact you can have on others.

      If you want an excellent example of this: Ender Wiggin (yeah, he’s always my examples, but he’s just too good not to be). In Speaker for the Dead, Ender steps in on a family who constantly fight and hate on each other. Their abusive father has just died and Ender comes to speak his funeral, but he does a lot more than that. He steps in and speaks honesty to the family –he bluntly tells them the truth about each of themselves, but he also shows them love and in doing so, he changes their lives.


  9. So you’re an (as I call it) Argument Interpreter too?
    I usually step in to clear up misunderstandings between my ISTJ father and INFP mother when they’re at war with each other. The only time it annoys me is when they blankly refuse to see each others point of views simply “becasue”. I find it childish.
    (Not a very popular thing to say out loud though, since I’m their child.)


    • Argument Interpreter? Hmm… I like to call myself Speaker for the Living (Speaker for the Dead just comes too late, you know?)

      Yeah, I’ve got an ESTJ mother and an INTP father, so I know exactly where you’re coming from. They usually listen to me. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that they have no legitimate cause not to take my objectivity seriously.


    • Argument Interpreter. I like it. I do that too, but I don’t say anything, because I will end up bearing the brunt of the tensions of both parties. But it’s nice to see that other people do that.

      My dad is either an INTP or an ISTP, and I am (very) tentatively leaning towards ENFP for my mom.


  10. So much truth in one post! It’s very easy to get frustrated and write people off as annoying but lets face it, we ourselves are annoying to someone at some point.. Once I consciously stopped letting myself get agitated, *poof * (well, it wasn’t that easy) I stopped noticing. This tactic also works well for people who frequently disappoint or hurt you. Some of the best advice I’ve ever received for this type of situation is to mark that person “irregular” in your mind. You still treat them the same but if they let you down just accept that as part of their irregularity.

    Oh and, finally someone I agree with on the matter of intelligence! I get so sick of hearing people (namely, INTJs) boast about how smart they are and how high of an IQ they have but they’ve got nothing to show for it. Actions speak so much louder than words. Obviously boasting about unseen smarts shows a level of insecurity but why in particular does it seem to be INTJs? I’ve noticed we tend to be very obsessed with intelligence, why do you think that is? Which is ironic given the same INTJs turn around and say how uncaring/unemotional they are.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Irony is everywhere if you’ve got the right eyes for it, huh? There seem to be a great many INTJs who boast about their Te function but don’t actually utilise it.

      My ESFP brother has an INTJ friend who literally does nothing with his life, but still thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. I mean really? If you’re so smart, go to college early like I did rather than sitting around talking about how stupid everyone else is.

      My dad always said “people talk about what’s most important to them,” which isn’t always true, but it’s definitely true for the insecure ones because it points directly to their insecurities. Arrogant people are often subconsciously worried that people won’t believe they’re as smart as they themselves believe they are and so they spend a large, pointless quantity of time trying to prove it, but using their mouth instead of their brains to do it.

      There’s nothing wrong with that. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives, and we all (okay, most of us) learn that it doesn’t prove anything. We move on, we become better. That’s that.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. The manner in which the question was posed makes me highly skeptical that the person is actually an INTJ. There are many reasons for this but the two that stand out to me are: the grammar is beyond careless and the question is posed imprecisely with too much emotional noise.

    From personal experience I can think of some IxFPs who responded to stress in this manner, and in a similar fashion sought to share their feelings of confusion and frustration FIRST before focusing on a solution. Why would an INTJ, a thinking type, waste time establishing so much unnecessary detail and pathos when all that is necessary to get the desired response is, “How do you cope with the irrationality of others and what are some ways to get my family to appreciate my logic/objectivity?” While it’s possible for an INTJ to react this way it is probabilistically speaking very unlikely.

    I’m not devaluing your suffering Juliette, trust me. The irrationality of others and their fear/unwillingness to address the problems of this world can sometimes stress me out to the point of madness! I will get to the point to where I cannot even function in my day to day life because I’m overwhelmed with a sense of futility and claustrophobia (being trapped in dystopia), I can’t even walk around the neighborhood to de-stress because I’m overcome with despair and nausea! But then you realize, all these negative emotions not only contribute nothing but they cost you your health! For nothing! What has always worked for me Juliette, is focusing on understanding the behaviors and phenomenons that frustrate you; what are their causes, why are they prevalent, what is their value, etc. Use your gifts to help in whatever way you can!


    • All INTJs have good grammar and are native English speakers? All INTJs are mature adults? INTJs can’t have emotional noise? Interesting. I didn’t know that, thanks for informing us. May I point out that Juliette is, in all likelihood, a teenager undergoing pubescent hormonal changes?

      However, your argument does contain a certain degree of validity, so now that I’ve pointed out it’s ironies, I will be objective in endorsing it’s strong points.

      I do know a large quantity of intelligent ISFPs who falsely believe they’re INTJs. The way the question was asked did focus more on the Se and Fi aspects of the problem than it did on the NiTe desire to search for a solution. If the INTJ thing isn’t working out for Juliette the way she planned, she might be better off searching for a more accurate mold, but since that wasn’t the judgement she asked me to make, I’m going to stick with the advice I originally gave her. It’s good advice regardless of whether she’s an INTJ or not.

      Liked by 4 people

  12. You were brutally honest while being polite. The complaint could have been written by my son. I know he believed the same way about his dad and grandmothers. Being INTJ is great, but it sure isn’t perfect. Empathy needs to be used, it can be learned. Point #3 is spot on. Thank you for taking the time to answer this rationally.


    • Your welcome. A lot of INTJs think brutal honesty without the kindness is the most efficient way to go, but in reality, it just stops people from wanting to listen to your advice. I don’t love societal norms, but then, I suppose nowadays, kindness isn’t a societal norm. Maybe niceness is, but kindness certainly has gotten rare.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Indeed, as an INTJ myself, I find that many INTJs on the internet over exaggerate their rational unfeeling side to the point of being complete jerks. A lot of that comes from them exaggerate that facet of themselves to fit in with the stereotype portrayed by blogs, sites, media etc, and prove that they’re “true” INTJs.
        But actually if you think about it, acting like that is completely illogical and counterproductive in real life: “It’s logical to be nice to other people, so they will work peacefully beside you. It’s logical to put aside personal dislikes and feelings to accomplish a greater task. Diplomacy is logical, because it accomplishes something – not the least of which being that the other person is not triggered into emotions through your behavior. If people do not think you are a jerk, they will work with you better. If people like you, there will be less stress in the work environment. When the environment is peaceful, everyone can do their job without any fuss. Te sees this as an ideal plan.” (funkymbtifiction, tumblr)

        Liked by 1 person


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