5 Ways I Don’t Fit INFP Stereotypes

Guest Post by Alyssa, INFP

I have always been a very self-aware individual. I know my strengths, weaknesses, emotions and thought processes extremely well, and I’m comfortable with who I am. I already KNOW that I’m a walking paradox. I’m a dreamer and yet I’m practical, I’m creative yet analytical, I love art and excel creatively, but I’m also a maths genius. I’m social yet shy, hard-working but a procrastinator, and organized but messy. There has never been a doubt that I am very much an INFP; however, these little contradictions between me and a stereotypical INFP used to concern me. This was before I realized that MBTI is about the way in which we think, not our personalities. Every person is going to have contradictions and conflicting qualities or tendencies, and that’s okay! That’s what makes us unique and human!

That being said, here are five ways in which I do NOT fit the INFP stereotype (in contrast to the many, many ways in which I do).

A Guide to Why Real INFPs Cry

Guest Post by Key Lime Pi, INFP

A while ago, I read Help! My INTJ Is Crying! and it caused me to think more about how different types have different approaches to crying, much less any sort of emotion. As an INFP, one of the popular stereotypes I find most irritating is that INFPs are always crying. Some INFPs (especially female ones) might cry more frequently than less dominantly emotional types, but that does not mean we are fragile butterflies whose wings will instantly crumple when touched. To set the record straight for all of you who are less dominated by emotion, here is a brief guide to help you understand your emotion-oriented INFP friends.

Continue reading

INTJs and Objective Judging

Catgyrl asked: ENFP here! I feel guilty for judging other people and it seems like INTJs don’t feel that way. You probably have some long thought process about this and I’d love to hear it. Sorry if that’s not really a question :)

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First of all, judgement is a necessary action for those of us who have any of intentions of helping or getting to know our friends. It also serves to protect us against people who would hurt or use us, but judgement is more than people make it out to be. The type of judgement that popular culture and religious organizations encourage us to refrain from is what I would like to call unrighteous judgement. And it’s true that type of judgement can be extremely hurtful, so it’s not only wise but important for our ethical well-being.

Judgement is not so narrow a field, however, that it does not also include a spectrum of righteous judgement, and as someone with an INTJ personality, this just so happens to be somewhat of a strong point for me. I shall endeavour my best to explain the concept in such a way as to make it understandable and doable. Continue reading

Recognizing Unhealthy/Healthy Types

Grahamcracker asked: How would you identify when someone is unhealthy for their personality type?

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The tell-tale sign of an unhealthy type is that they will embody the stereotypes.

Well-developed thinking types will make decisions based on both logic and emotion and vice versa for feeling types. A healthy individual is well balanced between their four functions, relying on all of them interacting between one another to live their life.

Another classic tell is whether or not the person manipulates people. Unhealthy thinking types often disregard other people’s feelings and use “logic” or “just being honest” as an excuse for bad behaviour. Unfortunately, this means that thinking types can also be extremely good at gaslighting. Meanwhile, unhealthy feeling types often have a tendency to rely on emotional appeals such as guilting, projection, and triangulation, as a way to control other people’s behaviour. This is all stuff that any therapist will tell you is toxic (both for you and for other people).

Grahamcracker asked: And how would you know if someone was well-developed in all four?

Want to know how to find yourself a keeper? While I can’t guarantee you’ll cross paths or have success connecting with said keeper, I’ll offer a modicum of advice on how to identify healthy MBTI types.

First and foremost––this person does not manipulate people, especially not intentionally. Second, you’ll see them making decisions based on more than just logic, or emotion alone. They’ll use a balance of both. You see their better self, a healthy person who knows what is important, plays well with others, and is neither overly insecure or overly self-important. To be balanced, to make good decisions, and to be a good partner in a relationship, you need to be as emotionally healthy as possible, and that means using all your functions.

I’m tired so I will not go into these in-depth, but you can get the general gist by combining the cognitive functions that make up your type.

Healthy Fe-Ti: caring about other people’s feelings and preservation, while also being able to step back and analyze something objectively, to learn how it works so that you can improve your relationships.

Healthy Te-Fi: being motivated to organize things and adhere to logical principles, while being aware that politeness is a useful tool in life and that not everything needs to be said, while holding to a strong set of moral principles.

Healthy Ti-Fe: staying focused on logical objectives, but also softening one’s words to avoid hurting other people’s feelings or alienating others in attempt to work toward a greater purpose that benefits everyone.

Healthy Fi-Te: championing causes and inspiring others to follow your lead, while remaining true to your beliefs but also enabling others to have different values systems from your own, and organizing your time and space effectively to accomplish your goals.

Healthy Si-Ne: bring valuable information to the table through things you have learned and your own experiences, but accept that your memories are subjective interpretations of events and that considering new avenues of possibilities is not a threat to your usual routines.

Healthy Se-Ni: staying open to both participating in new experiences and helping others to see opportunities around them, while realizing that there is more to life than just this moment, and all actions in the present have future consequences.

Healthy Ne-Si: entertaining many possibilities but also remembering past experience, learning from the mistakes of others, and seeking out extensive details, so as to make wise decisions.

Healthy Ni-Se: visualizing goals and discerning how to reach them, while also being unafraid to take opportunities as they appear, thus avoiding staying too much inside the mind and seeing their ideas implemented in the real world.

MBTI Crying in Movies

stranger5 asked: “you’ve talked before about how Fe and Fi cry in movies for different reasons. Does function hierarchy also affect whether/why a person will cry in a movie. say, would T types be less likely to cry in movies than F types? Also, are F types more drawn to emotional movies than Ts?”

Or, I should say question[s]. Shall we work through them one by one?

Function Hierarchy

Function hierarchy does have a certain degree of affect on whether someone will cry in a movie, but it isn’t necessarily consistent for everyone.

Quite frequently, you’ll have two Te doms in the same movie theatre –one will remain unaffected emotionally and the other will tear up and get embarrassed about it. Likewise, there are plenty of F types that cry relatively little in response to movies. Continue reading

INTJs: How to deal with Low Self-Esteem and Emotional Emptines

Asthma asked: As an intj how do you deal with :
– lack of confidence/ low self-esteem.
– emotional emptiness.

Low Self-Esteem

I’ve never had a problem with low self-esteem myself, but I suspect that my methods for dealing with self-criticism could apply to your question just fine.

My interior monologue often runs along these lines: Why don’t I feel anything? Why don’t I care that this person in front of me is crying? Am I a bad person? Did l have to say that? It may have been true, but it wasn’t kind. I am a terrible friend. etc.

Here’s how I deal with it. Continue reading

INTJs! Don’t Hide from your Feelings!

Sumayyah asked: As an INTJ. I used to be very detached and anything emotional aggravated me. However, my problem lately has been that I’m usually in a bad mood or temper. I snap at people more often. I don’t like to hear or have any conversations that make emotions and feelings the center. Also, I have been betrayed by the man that I liked. I don’t know how to deal with these sudden feeling and emotions. It seems very illogical to me and aggravates me that they are controlling me. Do you have any advice or tips for an INTJ do deal with this situation.

Here’s my #1 piece of advice: DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR UPPER FUNCTIONS. Do everything you can to avoid locking into only your lower functions (this is called being “in the grip” and it isn’t a healthy state to be in). Make use of your upper functions.

My second piece of advice is to avoid locking into a loop between your Extraverted Thinking (Te) function and your Extraverted Sensing (Se) function. Often, INTJs experiencing emotional trauma will do this in order to detach from the strong feelings they’re enduring. Just as I warn you not to lock into only your lower functions, it’s unwise to stop using any function simply to avoid dealing with a problem.

To quote one of my all-time favourite Christopher Nolan films, “you always fear what you don’t understand.” And it sounds like there’s a disjunct between your emotions and your understanding of them (thus your fear of them).

Take your TeFi and analyse your feelings. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, but then ask yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Mature INTJs do not hide from their feelings. They face them without allowing the feelings to control them.

It is perfectly possible to feel strongly and still be rational. The feelings themselves may be irrational, but the only way you’re going to talk yourself out of that irrationality is to analyse those feelings so that you can understand them, and to do that, you have to feel them.

You will never understand anything that you spend all your time hiding from.

INTJs: Embarrassed about Crying in Public?

Abbie asked: Help! I’m an INTJ and I’m crying… In a public place… With no secluded spot or sanctuary I can run to… And people are watching… What do I do? What do you do?

Answer: Curtesy queue interruption –this is what you should do.

Forget that other people are watching.

It does not matter what anyone thinks of you. A person who judges you for crying is not someone whose opinion you should value enough to let it affect you. When you cry in public, that’s when you really discover the character of the people you care about. The ones who judge you aren’t people you want to keep around and those who don’t will probably be your friends for life.

Secondly, you should never be ashamed of crying.

There are large quantities of immature T-types out there who will tell you that emotion is for weaklings. To that, I say that if you have not cried –if you have not been broken, your life has been too easy and you have not learned enough.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you’re weak for emoting. Crying releases endorphins, which is why we sometimes can’t feel better until we’ve had a decent cry. Emotion is what makes us human. If we could not feel, we would not make moral decisions.

If there is nowhere to hide your tears, stop worrying about it and deal with what’s really important (aka the issue that’s making you cry in the first place).

When an issue is important enough, just let yourself cry. Who cares if people are watching? Cry, and then move on. That’s all I can really tell you.