What to Do When you can’t hear an INTJ’s Sarcastic remarks

Curious asked: One of the people I talk to the most at school is (I believe) an INTJ. She’s lovely, and I’m very glad that she takes the time to interact with me. We usually sit near each other, and sometimes pass comments in class (mostly me because I’m an idiot and impulsive).

But sometimes, when she initiates, she speaks lowly, so I know she’s saying something, but I can’t make it out. I usually just nod or give a smile because I can tell she was trying to say something cheeky or low-key scathing about whatever is happening in class, but I know that we both can tell when we don’t hear each other. It’s not a big thing, but I was wondering if you could give an opinion on how you would want me to handle it– because it really eats me up with guilt that she says something and I can’t give her a response.

The answer to your question is so obvious that I don’t blame you for not thinking of it.

The first thing to know is this: INTJs with a working Te function appreciate direct communication. If someone hates something that I do –I want them to tell me about it. I may not change my habits when they do, but I want them to tell me about it.

My Te function doesn’t care about all the social conventions that tell you don’t say that, it’s rude. (Though my Fi function does listen to the don’t say that, it’s unkind). The point is, when somebody doesn’t know what I’m talking about –whether it’s because I’m talking gibberish, talking above their heads, or talking too quietly for them to hear– I want them to tell me about it directly.

So…tell her upfront that you can’t hear her. If she wants you to hear her, she’ll speak up.

8 thoughts on “What to Do When you can’t hear an INTJ’s Sarcastic remarks

  1. Even though I am an inferior Te user, I can definitely agree that I do prefer direct communication. It drives me crazy when someone spins tales around something tgat could have been directly said.


  2. That’s very accurate. The INTJs that I know always want me to be direct, too–even though it’s hard for me sometimes because my natural “mode” is to focus on diplomacy and politeness, not directness.


  3. It’s funny reading this because I remember being in the same position as you, only that I HATED when she would talk to me in class. I don’t care much for Fe social norms and mores, but I just can’t tolerate when someone speaks out of turn to me in that kind of environment – even if I love them!

    So one day in class she leans over and says something genuinely funny. I look her dead in the face – which was SO beautiful given the genuine delight she had at her witty comment and the gleam in her eyes – and say very bluntly, “Can you not talk to me during class? It’s very rude and I want to pay attention.” Oh my gosh the way her expression changed, it still breaks my heart remembering that to this day!! I immediately felt horrible afterwards and couldn’t pay attention AT ALL because the only thoughts on my mind were, “I didn’t mean to say it so harshly, I want to talk to her but just after class!! Why didn’t I say that! It’s too late to say it now, and she probably already hates me anyways!”

    Hard to believe this was in college! After class I waited for her outside and she immediately started talking to me again with that sincere, childlike Fi and witty Ni-Te humor that just makes my heart melt.

    Moral of the story: Listen to Arvid and be upfront, nothing can possibly go wrong! (Don’t take this out of context, you know what I mean all you smart alecks out there!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Also keep in mind that blunt/direct communication does not necessarily require harshness, or even seriousness on the part of the speaker.

      So, for all the upper Fe/Fi users out there, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be “rude.”


      • Interesting to hear an INTJ tell feeling types they don’t need to be harsh when speaking directly; it’s almost always the opposite !

        I can’t speak for every ISFP but if a feeling type comes off as harsh I’m sure that 99.99% of the time it’s unintentional. I actually have a great fear of being direct in conversation because it always seems brutal even if it really isn’t.

        So I interpretated your advice for Curious as, “just because you’re speaking directly doesn’t mean you’ll be interpretated as harsh or even serious.”


        • Yes, I was recently at Delphi, when the Oracle prophesied that my mission in life was to moralise at strangers on the internet.

          I made that comment mainly because I frequently talk to F doms who have a hard time separating bluntness from rudeness. My point was not so much moral as it was definitional.

          Liked by 1 person


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