Contest Winners + Asexual Q&A by Arvid

The winners of my 10-post contest are:

(Some of their posts have not been published yet and will appear in upcoming posts)

Name MBTI Post Title Place
Andrew ENTJ Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen Winner
Danielle INTJ J.K. Rowling Winner
E.J. INTJ Diggory Kirke Winner
Jessica Prescott INFJ Rey – Star Wars Winner
Sylver ISTP Sarah Jane Smith Winner
Anne-Sophie ENTP Jack Skellington Winner
Ethereality INTJ Hans Hubermann Winner
Fanta INTJ Sherlock Holmes (RDJ version) Winner
Mathew T. Griggs INTJ Albus Dumbledore Winner
Occam’s Chainsaw INTJ Winner
Emily INFP Douglas Adams Runner Up
Kerissa INFJ Johanna Mason Runner Up

Now, as promised, the answers to the Asexual Q&A!

Pronouns: he/him, though I will (and do) respond to anything.

Jackson asked: I think I remember you one time saying that you were “mostly aromantic.” So are you sometimes romantically attracted to ppl?
 Very occasionally, yes. For a while, I labeled myself as aromantic because it was so rare that I was romantically attracted to anyone. However, recent developments have re-convinced me that I do very occasionally experience romantic attractions towards men/masculinity. That said, I’m leaning towards identifying as grey homoromantic or andromantic. And I say “andromantic” (romantic attraction to men/masculinity) purely because I also identify as genderfluid (thus the reason that my readers often get confused about what gender I am).

Moritz asked: I’ve heard of asexuals talking about aesthetic and sensual attraction that is different from sexual attraction. Do you experience that too? And also, I was wondering if that had any connection to your being an INTJ and having inferior Se.

That’s a really interesting question! Go you.

I don’t experience sensual attraction at all, and I think I would know by now if I did, since most of my friends are dancers. But aesthetic attraction is definitely a thing for me. My personal experience (I don’t claim to speak for all asexual people) of aesthetic attraction is this:

I do occasionally find certain people beautiful enough to say that I might have a crush—or as tumblr users say, a squish—on them. However, this attraction is really no stronger than my aesthetic attraction anything else you might consider beautiful (like a painting or landscape). As for people, I tend to think that most everyone is beautiful in some way or another except for Channing Tatum, but, Shh! Don’t tell the Americans!

Aesthetic attraction is never enough to induce me to seek out a relationship. Romantic attraction, despite the rarity of it surfacing in my everyday life, is much stronger for me than any other form of attraction, and is typically the only thing that can make me even consider pursuing a relationship.

As for the Se function, it’s hard to say. In my case I do there is a connection, since the beauty I see in other people is hardly different from the beauty I see in nature. However, I don’t necessarily know to what extent this also applies to other asexuals, since there has been no research done on this topic. From what I’ve observed on the AVEN forums however, the number of INTJs in the asexual community is very high compared to the number of INTJs in other sexual orientations (but then, so is the number of INxPs and they don’t use inferior Se).

Speaking of which—shout out to all my asexual readers who would be willing to comment on this idea bellow. I’m very interested in your experience (and if you do comment on this, please include your MBTI type as well).

Aesopman asked: Have you ever pretended to be straight?

Here’s a gif of me pretending to be allosexual:

I agree. It’s not my best disguise.

As a teenager, I pretended to fancy people because I didn’t want my family to think there was something wrong with me. Of course, I ended up being terrible at it, leading to my sister finding out I was Ace and calling me on it.

Nowadays, I don’t attempt to hide my asexuality at all, but I also don’t walk around telling new people that I meet that I’m asexual. I simply behave how I’d like to behave and let them think whatever they want. In general, I think that most people assume I’m gay, which doesn’t bother me since it’s actually more “acceptable” in many places to be gay than ace.

Chelseapoe asked: I’m an INFP who’s asexual and homoromantic, so a little different than you, but similar. I always thought I was gay until I got a girlfriend and things got complicated because I wasn’t sexually invested. My question is did you have similar experiences or did you think you were straight growing up?

Your experience actually sounds very familiar. I didn’t discover the term “asexual” until I was about 16, and when I heard it, I related to it instantly. Discovering the term opened many doors for me—mainly doors of community and understanding. Prior to that, I thought for a long time that I was gay and assumed that I was subconsciously repressing homosexual attractions or something.

In fact, I didn’t realize just how asexual my attraction was until I left home and started watching movies by myself and every time a sex scene came on, my automatic inclination was to fast forward through it because I thought it was boring and just ended up getting distracted by random objects in the background.

anonymous_llama asked: How do you respond to people who tell you that you can’t know you’re asexual if you haven’t “tried it”?

You might find this string of comments amusing, if not frustrating, but it’s an example of a real conversation (which I haven’t taken down from this blog yet for a lot of reasons).

Usually however, I ask them the person they knew they were straight before they “tried it.” If that doesn’t work, I revise my strategy according to what ‘argument’ they’re using.

For instance, if they tell me I’m “too young” to know I’m Ace, I ask them if they knew they were straight by the time they were 20, and if anyone questioned them about their sexual identity as a young adult. If they tell me I shouldn’t place that “limit” on myself, I tell them that I feel very liberated by the label “asexual.”

If they ask who raped me, I give them a lecture on the inappropriateness of their questions. Honestly, if you tell someone you’re straight or gay, they don’t ask personal questions like, “Who raped you?” or “So are you attracted to objects?” or much more inappropriate questions that I will not list here. What I don’t understand is how people don’t recognize that they’re not actually entitled to that information any more than I would be entitled to the same information about them.

Sometimes…when people really push my buttons…I go full-out philosophy-student on them and break down their arguments using syllogistic or truth functional logic. In fact, if there’s a white board present, I might actually outline their argument like this:

Outlined Simplified Symbolised
  1. You must have sex to know your sexual orientation
  2. I have not had sex.

Ergo, I cannot know that I am asexual

  1. O is true, if and only if S is also true
  2. S is false

Ergo, A is false

  1. S ≡ O
  2. ~S

∴ ~A

Then I would proceed to show how their argument is invalid by pointing out that the conclusion does not follow necessarily even if the premises are true. Look, see? Conclusion A does not follow from the premises!

Next, using the symbolised version of the argument, I would show them what they would need to do in order to create a “valid” argument (i.e. make it so that the conclusion follows necessarily from the premises).

Outlined Simplified Symbolised
  1. Asexual is a sexual orientation
  2. You must have sex to know your sexual orientation
  3. I have not had sex.

Ergo, I cannot know that I am asexual

  1. All A are also O
  2. O is true, if and only if S is also true
  3. S is false

Ergo, A is false

  1. ~(A · ~O)
  2. S ≡ O
  3. ~S

∴ ~A

All I did was add one premise, but by doing so, I’ve also made it so that they cannot claim validity in their own argument without also accepting first, that Asexuality is a real sexual orientation. Next, I will show them that even though the argument is valid, it is not sound, because the premises can still be disproved. To do this, I would simply replace the A class (or “Asexual”) of the original argument with a new class H, representing whatever sexual orientation that other person happens to identify as.

Outlined Simplified Symbolised
  1. Heterosexual is a sexual orientation
  2. You must have sex to know your sexual orientation
  3. I have not had sex.

Ergo, I cannot know that I am heterosexual

  1. All H are also O
  2. O is true, if and only if S is also true
  3. S is false

Ergo, H is false

  1. ~(H · ~O)
  2. S ≡ O
  3. ~S

∴ ~H

At this point, they’re going to have to deny that the premises are true and acknowledge the error of their logical reasoning. Ironically, this doesn’t usually change their mind, since, as Orson Scott Card says, “we question all our beliefs, except for the ones that we really believe in, and those we never think to question.”

But at least they never question me on it again.

How to Ask a girl Person to Dance:

  1. If you have a stoneface like I do, start by prepping your best fake smile
  2. Walk up to the person
  3. Hold out your hand and say, “Would you like to dance?”
  4. If they say no, simply repeat steps 1-3 with a different person

Complicated right? I don’t know how it works at a regular dance, but that’s how it works in Swing Dance circles.

Side-Note for anyone interested in Gender Studies and/or Dancing:

People nowadays tend to think of Swing dancing as an old-fashioned, sophisticated and ultimately conservative activity, but the people involved in it during its hay-day were actually liberal, radical youth.

Among many other wonderful qualities, modern Swing dancing has the redeemable trait of being welcoming to people of all genders and sexual orientations (at least in my experience). As a member of a Swing Dancing team, I spend a lot of time dancing with ladies, gents and non-binary folk alike.

It’s actually considered cool and showy to be able to dance both the Lead (traditionally male) and Follow (traditionally female) parts of the dance. If you can dance Swing with another person of your same biological gender, other dancers will be very impressed and/or intimidated.

Swing Kids (1993) has some excellent examples of this very concept. (It just has great Swing dancing in general…)

My Swing team actually has practice sessions where we will require all the people who normally dance lead to follow, and vice versa. In most cases, this means we’ll end up with all the ladies leading us gents. The reason we practice this way is because you get extra points for this kind of versatility in Swing competitions.

In fact, we accidentally invented a Swing dancing game in which everyone attempts to dance flawlessly while simultaneously stealing (and being stolen by) other people’s dance partners. When we do this, you end up with gents leading gents, ladies leading gents, ladies leading ladies etc.  It’s all very fun:

I don’t care what gender or sexual orientation you identify by. If you keep fair dancing etiquette, I will dance with you.