This is Not & Will Never Be a Flirting Advice Blog

Hanswerner asked: I’m an INTJ, and I was wondering if you had any experience or advice on how to talk to girls. I’m terrified of talking to girls that have crushes on and every time I try to flirt I make a fool of myself

I’m willing to give advice on almost everything. However –and that’s a big however– I do not, and will probably never be qualified to give dating/flirting/sexual relationship advice to sexual people.

So let’s get one thing straight (pun intended). I’m asexual and romantically attracted to—you guessed it—not women. I wouldn’t stress this so highly except that I just read three similarly focused questions in my inbox.

In anticipation of all the open-minded folk who will have questions about this, I’m going to introduce a New Q&A Contest next week (similar to the last one) focused around this topic. Ask away in the comments below and I will feature your questions in the contest (and keep it respectful).

On that amusing note, I’d also like to extend a welcome to all the heterosexual male identifying INTJs lurking nearby. Please help @Hanswerner out by replying in the comments below.



17 thoughts on “This is Not & Will Never Be a Flirting Advice Blog

  1. What about when people ask you questions about dating whose answers are patently simple? For example, when it just boils down to being a decent person and getting ones priorities straight? I am asexual, but for some strange reason have been asked for dating advice many times, and by people I cared about. Usually I just go through the question with them rationally as I can, and they figure it out for themselves in Socratic fashion.


  2. As an INTJ female who is firmly in the “N/A” box in regards to gender indentification and sexual/romantic orientation, I’m usually in a perpetual state of “does not compute”. Kudos to you for your honestly in response to questions on that subject!
    I don’t have a specific question or any wrinkled words of advice, but I do thoroughly enjoy your site and wanted to give you a virtual “high-five” in orientation solidarity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How do you respond to people who tell you that you can’t know you’re asexual if you haven’t “tried it”?


  4. Wait first I find out you are gender fluid and now I find out you are also asexual! Why was I not aware of your blog sooner? I really must thank my roommate for suggesting one of your posts. He didn’t even know these things about you. He has taken a really strong interest in MBTI and it has been really interesting to talk with him about it. I look forward to reading more from you.
    For context I am also an asexual gender fluid person.


  5. I wanted my INTJ partner to be helpful, but the only answer I recieved was “Fortunately you have done all the flirting”. (That is not true. I’d say he is a very skillful adept of the Harold Chasen school of flirting. ;) And it works! At least if you want to attract a weird, traumatized INFP, that is.)
    But jokes aside – definately try to find simillar interests, or just try to interest them in what interests you. It will make you more comfortable, and as for getting their positive attention – from my experience there are no people more pleasing to listen to than INTJs explaining you things. :)


  6. INTJ female here – one point to remember is that INTJs usually do best when they’re not trying. The very qualities that (apparently) make us attractive – confidence, integrity, determination, intelligence, etc. – show best when we embody our INTJ-ness, and are obscured when we try to act “normal” in casual, flirty, Fe-type ways. Also, those people most likely to respond to light social flirting (except maybe the most cerebral and sarcastic variety) are not those people most likely appreciate an INTJ’s natural qualities over the long term.

    Basically, the practical upshot of this is that even those of us with strong Fi and good socialisation find flirting is not a natural thing, but a skill we can exercise when we choose or when the moment lends itself – i.e. not usually something we can/want to sustain regularly or long-term. It’s been my experience that attracting partners with flirting was highly successful in the short-term, but when I stopped (or tired of) exerting myself in that direction the subject often got confused and thought that I’d lost interest, “wasn’t trying”, had become suddenly “cold”, or even had deliberately misled them (when actually I’d just moved on from the moment and resumed “regularly scheduled programming”).

    TL;DR – be yourself; it’s easier and more transparent in the long run. If the subject of your affections is the kind to prefer common flirting behaviours and you’re a “textbook” INTJ then maybe yours isn’t a long-term match.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hanswerner, as a girls who is flirted with almost constantly, I’ve experienced plenty of INTJs flirting styles, the one thing they tend to have in common is directness, and not playing games.

    Fear of talking to girls isn’t limited to INTJ’s. Any type can have that. Generally it stems from a fear of rejection. If you’re so nervous you can’t talk to a girl, you are probably putting her on a pedestal, which makes for a poor relationship.

    You may not be ready to date, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Figure out the things you like about your self, really get to know yourself. Share those things you like about yourself, and the right girl will notice. Share your interests, with girls. Talking about a mutual favorite book, or band, is flirting. Flirting is showing interest in the other person, finding common ground is a great way to do that.

    Right now, whether you know it or not, your subconscious is telling you theses girls are better than you, which is why you can’t talk to them.

    Flirting is really just a way to see if there is relationship potential, if you’re striking out, you might be looking at the wrong type of girl. If there is relationship potential, you might not even notice you are flirting.


    • Wow, thanks for the advice! Really helpful–apparently I have been flirting with my brother all these years and didn’t even know it! Yikes!


      • I’m sure you’re fine. Family is different, so unless you or your brother are interested in a romantic relationship, you’re just behaving like family. Think of it this way: when you’re in a relationship you’re trying to see if that person could be added to your tribe of people. Consider your tribe the blood relatives you are close with, and your best platonic friends. The group of people you share the most of yourself with. Flirting is more for people outside that circle, but it is also the reason close friends can get their relationship wires crossed.


  8. Not a male INTJ, but I’ve lived around INTJs my whole life, so here’s my two cents:

    Don’t start off by trying to “flirt.” At least, not until you feel more comfortable around said girl/girls. Just try your best to be friendly, and see where it gets you. Smart girls will notice that you are making an effort to be nice to them–and start to wonder why.

    If all else fails, read “Pride and Prejudice” and copy Mr. Darcy. (Kidding.)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think I remember you one time saying that you were “mostly aromantic.” So are you sometimes romantically attracted to ppl?


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